On Discretion and Hampton Roads Polyamory (Ha.R.P.): What is discretion? According to just one source, Merriam-Webster, Discretion is: Pronunciation: dis-'kre-sh&n Function: noun 1 : the quality of being discreet : CIRCUMSPECTION; especially : cautious reserve in speech 2 : ability to make responsible decisions 3 a : individual choice or judgment b : power of free decision or latitude of choice within certain legal bounds 4 : the result of separating or distinguishing Leading us to Discreet: Pronunciation: di-'skrEt Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French discret, from Medieval Latin discretus, from Latin, past participle of discernere to separate, distinguish between -- more at DISCERN 1 : having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech : PRUDENT; especially : capable of preserving prudent silence 2 : UNPRETENTIOUS, MODEST 3 : UNOBTRUSIVE, UNNOTICEABLE - dis·creet·ly adverb - dis·creet·ness noun So what does all this mean? We are all participating in various relationships that are outside of what many folks (and many laws) consider acceptable. Therefore we must often keep them hidden, for employment or social reasons. We must be "discrete". Not all of us are freely "out" in society, although many of us are "out" in various ways with close friends, close family members, etc. It's one thing for each of us to decide for ourselves how and when we wish to go public, but it is another thing altogether to have it happen due to others actions. Just please be aware of your actions in speech and online and act responsibly, that is all we ask. "Discretion...the fine art of forgetting at the right moment." A few things that fall under "discretion": What happens at Ha.R.P. stays within Ha.R.P. It's fine to discuss events in general, but keep it within the group. If it is a Member/Private event, then keep the discussion of that event within that Membership and list. (Note: remember, one must attend two Ha.R.P. events within a year in order to be called a "Member" and gain access to Private List and those events.) Names of those present and details of the event itself should never be discussed outside of HaRP. Announcements of Ha.R.P. events should not be forwarded to all your friends etc. You'll never know where the announcements will end up next. If you have friends that you believe will enjoy our events and our company, by all means please invite them to one of our open events, but we prefer you bring them along as a guest. Just send the Board of Directors a note, and we'll let you know if it is allowable per event. It's that simple. We love new faces! Announcements of Ha.R.P. events should not be posted to other groups, lists, or organizations unless specifically approved by the Board of Directors. Posts or emails from the list should not be forwarded or reposted elsewhere without the express permission of the author. Be cautious with the personal details you post to the list. Remember, we don't know all the people in our group. We have a lot of unknowns, a lot of lurkers. This is not to say that lurkers are bad, not at all. Many are here to learn about Polyamory, and they are shy and/or uncertain. We can't all be extroverts. But this is just a reminder that we don't know who they are...so think before you post intimate, personal details or contact information. Always be safe. A related thought: be wary of those who contact you by "naming names". We have had this happen in the past, where a list member used information from posts to contact people within the group, and then casually name-dropped to gain the confidence of others. It happens so easily. Follow your intuition, and if it feels "wrong" it probably is wrong. Do not identify other members publicly, either on the internet or in the real world. For example, you bump into someone in the mall. Of course you can greet them; we aren't advocating ignoring folks. But if they are with others who are unknown to you it may be best to stay back and not surprise them. Many folks can easily cover by saying "oh this is so-and-so from work" or "from my innocuous- collection-of-junk club" etc, but some may not be prepared or may not have other activities available to readily explain "new" friendships. Plus, there is always the possibility that someone uses a special nickname within our group, as opposed to their given name...and wouldn't that be an embarrassing moment if you blurt it out in public? What?! Who?! Also included in this is identifying the group or any of its members in any form of writing that may be open to the public. Remember, emails can go anywhere. We all fall into this trap. It's easy to forget that once we hit "send" it doesn't belong to us any longer (unless you are using one of those special self-destruct programs, but most of us aren't). The new owner can do *anything* with your message. Also keep in mind that online journals and weblogs are open to the public, unless you set yours up as password protected. So what you write is open to anyone, no matter how you hide behind a screen name. And if you don't believe it, there are plenty of folks out there telling tales of how they were "discovered" by friends and family because they left a few too many details open: locations, personal names, specific activities, etc. Google is a wonderful thing my friends, but it can be a help and a hindrance. Most of this is plain common sense, but it so easily slips to the back of our minds as we get comfortable in our surroundings. We all want to be comfortable, but to be comfortable you need to feel safe too.